just a stranger on the bus

Reader discretion is advised.

I heard a story on BBC Newspod about a guy planning to swim the length of the Amazon River. Now, I understand the attraction of epic river journeys, but swimming the Amazon? That's a bit much.

Anyway, what's the first thing that pops into your head when you think of swimming the Amazon, besides "don't"? It's a piranha, right? Well, forget about that, 'cos that ain't nuthin. (Besides, there are Piranha in the Potomac. Seriously. And I'd swim that shit without a second thought.)

Nah, there's something a lot more off-putting in the Amazon: the Candirú. Sometimes it's called a toothpick fish. Sometimes it's called the "vampire fish of Brazil", and for a land as vampire-infested as Brazil, that's really saying something. This thing is long and skinny and - get this - clear. You can't see it coming. But you can attract it easily enough; all you have to do is urinate while you're swimming. You do that, and the fish will zero in on your urine and the hole it came out of, swim into said hole, stiffen its spine to lodge itself good and proper, and then feed on your blood and tissue. Because what could be more delicious.

(I mentioned reader discretion, right? In a sec, I'm going to give you a Wikipedia link. At the bottom of that Wikipedia entry is a link to a Straight Dope article. Do not follow the link to the Straight Dope article.)

So yeah, this guy's gonna swim the Amazon. There'll be a boat next to him the whole time with a doctor and guys with guns, but still, that seems like a river people should just go ahead and stay out of.

But to tell you about that wasn't the initial reason for this post. I began this post to point out, as if it needed pointing out, that my friends are god-damned funny. Case in point: when I learned about the candirú, I sent a Wikipedia link for the thing to my friend Alex. And this is what Alex wrote back:

I see shit like this, and it just affirms to me that God is just one mean-ass motherfucker.

See? I get an email like that, and it just affirms to me that I'm hanging out with the right people. Chances are that includes you.