all those dark and frantic transatlantic miles

I've always followed commercial aviation news pretty closely for some reason, even long before my sister started to fly friendly-like in the skies. I'll also admit to an above-average, possibly abnormal, arguably irrational obsession with corporate aesthetics and image (for example, I hold the conviction that people can be pretty neatly placed into Coke or Pepsi camps, and the Pepsi camp, with a few minor exceptions, is what's wrong with the world). What all this means is that I have strong opinions on all this merger talk, and I'm going to spout some of them right now.


Regarding the possibility of USAir taking over Delta:

The exciting part of this deal is that the USAir brand would disappear. Why is this exciting? Step onto an airplane operated by USAir and it immediately becomes clear. Everything's grey. Faded grey, even. Kenny G. serenades you from the speakers. Nothing is fun about this experience. Get into the air, and the frills just keep not coming. Even on a Transatlantic flight, where British Airways and Virgin Atlantic and even United and Continental pacify you with a goody bag full of fun toys like lotion, socks, Sony PSP, paper and pen, diamonds, eyemask, earplugs, etc., USAir gives you only a paper clip, a stack of three (grey) post-its (but no pen), and a ball of lint. Now look at the flight attendants. They're depressed. The pilots are depressed, too. The entire airplane, nay, the entire company, is depressing, and consequently you're depressed as well. So, are you enjoying yourself? I think not, even though you are by default the most enjoyable element of the whole experience. The sooner we 86 such corporate blanditity, the better, as the entire world will immediately become unnoticeably more fun.

The part of this deal that fills me with trepidation: the possibility that Delta will become USAirified. Delta Airlines, once a paragon of service and class, has over the years become nearly as uninspiring and utilitarian as AirTran (some might argue moreso). Flying Delta is about as memorable as taking the PATH train to New Jersey. But at least it's not actively soul-killing, the way USAir is. Will management styles and corporate cultures merge and dilute themselves to the point that passengers approaching a neo-Delta gate will suddenly fall into a deep coma, creating an awful pile-up right there on the moving sidewalk (which is ending, by the way, and we know this thanks to the incessant recording constantly repeating that fact for all of us too dense to figure it out for ourselves, but it still does nothing for the comatose)? If this deal goes through, only time will tell. Let's hope not. Let's hope instead that the USAir-types will begin to acquire what little personality Delta still has.


Regarding the possibility of Delta merging with Northwest:

That sounds better, but then we've still got the dismal USAir to deal with. What do we do with them? Maybe they could merge with Asheville Transit and create something really special.


Regarding the possibility of Continental subsequently merging with United:

Both of these are fine airlines. Service is good, perks are good, the airplanes are more attractive than most, inside and out, though never approaching the ideal of looking like a big Tylenol. The two together can't be all that bad, but whatever happens, Flight Attendant Meyer needs to keep her job. Actually, she should get a raise, if you really want to know what I think. That would make the merger a much easier pill to swallow. Mmmmmm, pills.


Also, the 'Overheard in New York' people should start an 'Overheard on the Plane' site, and the FAA should require all commercial pilots to be funny.